Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Last Words



Michael Jackson

“More milk.” 

Said by Michael Jackson to Dr. Conrad Murray in 2009. 

“Milk” was Jackson’s nickname for the anesthetic Propofol on which he fatally overdosed.



Humphrey Bogart

“I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis.” 

Said before dying in 1957 from cancer of the oesophagus, thought to be the result of his heavy smoking and drinking



Barry White

"Leave me alone. I'm fine." 

Said before succumbing to renal failure at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles in 2003.



John Lennon

"Yes, I am." 

Said while sitting in a police car after being shot outside his home in 1980, after officers asked him if he was John Lennon.



Joe DiMaggio

"I finally get to see Marilyn." 

According to his lawyer, DiMaggio’s final words were of his former love, Marilyn Monroe. He died in his home in 1999 following a battle with lung cancer

* * * * * * * * *

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Trivia Tuesday


* * * * * * * *

The word “mistletoe” comes from the German Mist, meaning dung, and Tan, meaning branch. This is because mistletoe was believed to originate from bird droppings, the observers not equating the growth of the plant from the seeds in the bird droppings from the berries eaten by the words. Bear that in mind at Christmas when you can ask girls for a kiss under the dung on a stick.

* * * * * * * *

According to an article in the Huffington Post in November 2012, Britain has invaded nearly 90% of the world's countries during its history, with only 22 out of 193 not on the receiving end of a bit of Great British aggression, according to new research. The findings are detailed in a book, "All the Countries We've Ever Invaded: And the Few We Never Got Round To", by history author, Stuart Laycock. He examined each country in turn looking for evidence that Britain had ever established a military presence either through regular armed forces or pirates, privateers or armed explorers operating with government approval.

The countries not invaded:
Andorra
Belarus
Bolivia
Burundi
Central African Republic
Chad
Congo, Republic of
Guatemala
Ivory Coast
Kyrgyzstan
Liechtenstein
Luxembourg
Mali
Marshall Islands
Monaco
Mongolia
Paraguay
Sao Tome and Principe
Sweden
Tajikistan
Uzbekistan
Vatican City


* * * * * * * *

Napoleon killed over a thousand people with a cough. In 1799 he was deciding whether to release 1,200 Turkish prisoners of war when he coughed and said, "Ma sacré toux!" (my darned cough) which sounded to officers like "Massacrez tous!" (Kill them all!). So they did.

* * * * * * * * *

Monday, September 29, 2014

Monday Miscellany: Some Odds, Ends and Personals


* * * * * * * *
Email from son Thomas in response to the Bertrand Russell quotes about religion:

Love it! 
It might be of interest to you, something which the Late Christopher Hitchens went to great pains to emphasise, but “Religion is the opiate of the masses” is somewhat of a misquote when looked at in the context of the passage (found in Marx’ introduction to his critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right): “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of the spiritless circumstance. It is the opium of the people.”  
He further said that the abolition of religion as illusory happiness is the demand of the people for real happiness. A couple of paragraphs down he said, and this is where I think it really gets quite profound and beautiful, “The criticism of religion has plucked the flowers from the chain, not so that man may continue to wear the chain without fantasy and consolation, but so that he may break the chain and cull the living flower”.

Here's a couple more, Thomas . . .




* * * * * * * *
From Kerrie in respect of the Lady Marmalade post:

Hi Otto, 
Bob Crew died about 3 weeks ago – he was a great song writer. 
e e cummings will haunt you for using capital letters in his name. 
Kerrie
* * * *

Some of the hits of Bob Crew (November 12, 1930 – September 11, 2014):
· 1957: "Silhouettes"
· 1957: "Daddy Cool"
· 1958: "La Dee Dah"
· 1959: "Lucky Ladybug"
· 1962: "Sherry"
· 1962: "Big Girls Don't Cry"
· 1963: "Walk Like a Man"
· 1964: "Dawn (Go Away)"
· 1964: "Ronnie"
· 1964: "Navy Blue"
· 1964: "Rag Doll"
· 1964: "Save It For Me"
· 1964: "Big Man in Town"
· 1965: "Bye, Bye, Baby (Baby, Goodbye)"
· 1965: "Let's Hang On!"
· 1965: "A Lover's Concerto”
· 1965: "Silhouettes” 1965: "Girl Come Running”
· 1965: "Jenny Take A Ride”
· 1966: "Devil With A Blue Dress On”
· 1966: "The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine”
· 1967: "Sock It To Me, Baby”
· 1967: "Music To Watch Girls By”
· 1967: "Silence Is Golden” 
· 1967: "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You”
· 1967: "I Make a Fool of Myself”
· 1967: "To Give (The Reason I Live)”
· 1969: "Jean”
· 1969: "Good Morning, Starshine”
· 1974: "Lady Marmalade”
· 1974: "Get Dancin'”
· 1975: "Swearin' To God"
· 1975: "My Eyes Adored You”
· 1975: "I Wanna Dance Wit' Choo”
· 1975: "The Proud One” 
· 2001: "Lady Marmalade” 

* * * *


As regards Mr Cummings and his initials, from Wikipedia:

Cummings's publishers and others have sometimes echoed the unconventional orthography in his poetry by writing his name in lowercase and without periods (full stops), but normal orthography (uppercase and full stops) is supported by scholarship and preferred by publishers today. Cummings himself used both the lowercase and capitalized versions, though he most often signed his name with capitals. 
The use of lowercase for his initials was popularized in part by the title of some books, particularly in the 1960s, printing his name in lower case on the cover and spine. In the preface to E. E. Cummings: The Growth of a Writer by Norman Friedman, critic Harry T. Moore notes, "He [Cummings] had his name put legally into lower case, and in his later books the titles and his name were always in lower case." According to Cummings's widow, however, this is incorrect. She wrote to Friedman: "you should not have allowed H. Moore to make such a stupid & childish statement about Cummings & his signature." On February 27, 1951, Cummings wrote to his French translator D. Jon Grossman that he preferred the use of upper case for the particular edition they were working on. One Cummings scholar believes that on the rare occasions Cummings signed his name in all lowercase, he may have intended it as a gesture of humility, not as an indication that it was the preferred orthography for others to use. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E._E._Cummings



Some e e cummings quotes . . .




* * * * * * * * *

Sunday, September 28, 2014

15 Bizarre Historical Photographs


* * * * * * * * * *
Some of these photographs have appeared in Bytes previously.
Fascinating photographs of interesting incidents and times.

The post is from:

* * * * * * * * * *
This photo is of Ham the Chimp, the first chimpanzee to be successfully launched into space in 1961. The snapshot was taken after his return. His name is an acronym for the Holloman Aerospace Medical Center, which is the lab that prepared him for such an important mission. However, he was only given the name upon his return since officials did not want the press to have a name to use for public shaming should the mission have failed. Following the trip, Ham called Washington D.C.’s National Zoo home for 17 years. His remains may now be found at the International Space Hall of Fame in New Mexico.

In 1967, Sweden changed its laws so that drivers had to start driving on the right-hand side of the road. The law was implemented to accommodate left-handed vehicles, reduce collisions and keep up with the trends of neighboring countries Norway and Finland. The day the law took effect is called Dagen H, or more popularly “Högertrafikomläggningen” (“The right-hand traffic diversion”), and this picture depicts the mass confusion that ensued. While the switch appeared to be successful in the short term, accident rates and insurance claims returned to normal after a couple years—likely after Swedes grew accustomed to driving on the right hand side of the road.

This picture of a girl holding a doll in the rubble of her former home is one of the most poignant and disturbing images from World War Two, and one that succinctly articulates the scope of devastation following the 1940 London bombings.

Walter Yeo was a sailor during World War One who suffered facial injuries while manning guns on board the HMS Warspite. In 1917, Yeo became the first man to undergo advanced plastic surgery, which was administered by “the father of plastic surgery” Sir Harold Gillies. Around two years later, Yeo was considered fit for service again.

Taken in 1964, this image shows hotel owner James E. “Jimmy” Brock pouring muriatic acid into the Monson Motor Lodge pool. Such a move came as black patrons entered the water in protest of Brock having Martin Luther King Jr. and other black activists arrested for trespassing earlier in the month.

When Prohibition was introduced to America in the late 1920s, it ushered in an illustrious and rampant illegal trade of alcohol. This image was taken in a Detroit distillery in 1929, where Prohibition agents found and confiscated illegal liquor by pouring it out the window.

Snapped in 1908 by investigative photographer and sociologist Lewis Hine, this iconic image aided substantially in the fight to outlaw child labor in the United States. It features the “breaker boys”, or child laborers who would spend their days separating coal from slate. Hine would spend a decade documenting child labor throughout the United States, using his camera as a tool to advocate for social and political change. As the century progressed, though, fewer and fewer people were interested in seeing Hine’s work. Toward the end of his life, Hine lost his home and had to apply for welfare.

This disturbing photograph was taken on August 7, 1930 in Marion, Indiana, and shows the lynching of two young black men, Thomas Shipp and Abram Smith. The two were accused of robbing and murdering a white factory worker and raping his white girlfriend. Townspeople, along with the help of police officers, broke into the cells and hanged Shipp and Smith. When Smith tried to free himself, participants broke his arms so that he could not try to escape again. The woman that Shipp and Smith were accused of raping later testified that she had not, in fact, been raped by them.

This eerie photograph was taken on June 23, 1940, after Adolf Hitler had just captured Paris, and was touring and admiring his new city with his architect Albert Speer. Hitler was enamored with the opera house, with Speer remarking that Hitler “went into ecstasies about its beauty, his eyes glittering with an excitement that struck [him] as uncanny.” Following the tour, Hitler is quoted to have said “It was the dream of my life to be permitted to see Paris. I cannot say how happy I am to have that dream fulfilled today.”

Named by TIME Magazine as one of the 50 worst inventions of all time, this photo depicts a “baby cage”. As seen above, the cage was bizarre wire contraption patented in the US in 1922 and used widely in 1930s London by nannies who needed to give their charges fresh air within the urban confines of apartment buildings.

Katherine Switzer made waves when she entered the Boston Marathon in 1967, at a time when women were not “supposed” to run marathons. This iconic shot shows Boston Marathon organizer Jock Semple vehemently accosting Switzer to get out of the race. According to Switzer’s own personal account of the event, Semple swiped at her bib and yelled: “Get the hell out of my race and give me those numbers”.

By way of additional comment:  
Jock Semple is the chap in the dark clothes at the rear of Katherine Switzer. Switzer's boyfriend Tom Miller, who was running with her, shoved Semple aside and sent him flying.  For the rest of the run she was protected from interference from officials by Miller and other runners.  The photographs taken of the incident made world headlines. Switzer and Miller went on to wed but later divorced. Switzer remained a competitive marathon runner, being the female winner of the New York City Mararaton in 1974 and 59th overall. She also became a television announcer and won an Emmy.
As a result of her Boston marathon run, the AAU barred women from all competition with male runners, on pain of losing the right to compete. Switzer, with other women runners, tried to convince the Boston Athletic association to allow women to participate in the marathon. Finally, in 1972, women were welcome to run the Boston Marathon officially for the first time ever.



This 1922 photo shows Howard Carter opening King Tutankhamun’s sarcophagus after discovering the Ancient Egyptian king’s tomb in the Valley of the Kings. Such a discovery sparked a renewed Western interest in ancient Egypt.

Packed like sardines across all decks on the Queen Elizabeth liner, this image from 1945 is of troops being brought home to the New York harbor at the end of World War Two.

Taken in 1945, this photo depicts the liberation of Jewish prisoners released from a “death train”, the likes of which were used to transport Jewish people to concentration camps. This amazing image was taken toward the end of war in Farsleben, when US troops intercepted the Theresienstadt-bound train and liberated 2,500 people on board.

This chilling picture of an unknown Union soldier who survived the Andersonville prison camp during the US Civil War highlights the atrocities committed at Confederate military prisons in the 1860's. Built in 1864, the prison housed more than 45,000 Union soldiers, 13,000 of whom died due to disease, poor sanitation, malnutrition and overcrowding.

* * * * * * * * *

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Song Spot: Lady Marmalade




When driving home a couple of days ago I heard Lady Marmalade on the radio. Apart from knowing that it was redone for Moulin Rouge (I haven’t seen the film but I believe that only the audio is featured, the clip of the singers performing it being part of the extras), and what the French words mean, I knew little else about the song. That intrigued me so I looked into it. Here are some facts and trivia . . .

* * * * * * * *
See it and hear it by clicking on the following links:

Labelle’s 1974 version:
(manhole covers for earrings and not a feather left in New Orleans when this was made, 1970’s fathsion)

Patti LaBelle performing the number live at the White House, 2014:
(She still has it, and how!)

The Moulin Rouge version with Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink:

* * * * * * * *
Lyrics:

"Lady Marmalade"

Labelle version

Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister [x2]
He met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans
Struttin' her stuff on the street
She said 'Hello,
Hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?
'Mmm Hmmm Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya
Here
Mocca chocolata Ya Ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
He savored her cool
While she freshed up
That boy drank all that magnolia wine
On the black satin sheets where
He started to freak
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here
Mocca chocalata Ya Ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Heh, Heh, Hehhhh
Seeing her skin feeling silky smooth
Colour of cafe au lait
Made the savage beast inside
Roaring till it cried More, More, More
Now he's at home doing 9 to 5
Living his brave life of lies
But when he turns off to sleep
All memories keep More, More, More
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya here
Mocca chocolata Ya Ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?
Creole Lady Marmalade

"Lady Marmalade"
(feat. Mya, Pink, Lil' Kim, Missy Elliott)

[Lil’ kim:]
Where’s all mah soul sistas
Lemme hear ya’ll flow sistas

[Mya:]
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista

[Mya:]
He met Marmalade down IN old Moulin Rouge
Struttin’ her stuff on the street
She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! uh huh

[Chorus:]
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)
Creole lady Marmalade

[Lil’ Kim:]
What What, What what
[Mya:]
ooh oh

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir
Voulez vous coucher avec moi

[Lil’ Kim:]
yea yea yea yea

[Pink:]
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine
On her black satin sheets is where he started to freak
yeah

[Chorus:]
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da-da-da)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here ohooh yea yeah)
Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)
Creole lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir, what what what)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi

[Lil’ Kim:]
yea yea uh
He come through with the money in the garter belts
I let him know we bout that cake straight up the gate uh
We independent women, some mistake us for whores
I'm sayin‘, why spend mine when I can spend yours
Disagree? Well that's you and I’m sorry
Imma keep playing these cats out like Atari
wearing high heel shoes, getting love from the dudes
4 bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge
hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass
by the case the meaning of expensive taste
if you wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya
Mocha Chocalate-a what?
Creole Lady Marmalade
One more time C’mon now

Marmalade... Lady Marmalade... Marmalade...

[Christina:]
hey Hey Hey!
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth
color of cafe au lait alright
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried,
More-more-more

[Pink:]
Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5

[Mya:]
Sleepin' the grey flannel life
[Christina:]
But when he turns off to sleep memories creep,
More-more-more

[Chorus:]
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da daeaea yea)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (ooh)
Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)
Creole lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (all my sistas yea)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (C‘Mon! uh)

[Missy:]
Christina...(oh Leaeaa Oh)
Pink... (Lady Marmalade)
Lil’ Kim...(hey Hey! uh uh uh uh...)
Mya...(Oh Oh oooo)
Rockwilder baby...(baby)
Moulin Rouge... (0h)
Misdemeanor here...

Creole Lady Marmalade Yes-ah......

* * * * * * * *

The song was released in 1974 by the group Labelle. Written by Bob Crew and Kenny Nolan, it was released as the first single from the album Nightbirds and was inspired by Crewe's first-hand observations of New Orleans prostitutes, the French Quarter being near the city’s red light district. The lyrics are the words of a prostitute.

This was the biggest and last hit Crews worked on. It became the biggest hit for the songwriting/production team of Crewe and Nolan, the song replacing another one of their songs, "My Eyes Adored You” by Frankie Valli, as US #1 in March 1975.

* * * * * * * *

The phrase "Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?" means "Do you want to go to bed with me (tonight)?"  It appears in Tennessee Williams’ 1947 play A Streetcar Named Desire. Also, in 1973, former porn star-turned-Italian politician Iloner Staller (Cicciolina) achieved fame with a radio show called "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" on Radio Luna. 

Even before Williams’ play the phrase was featured in John Dos Passo’s 1920 novel Three Soldiers. A poem by E E Cummings published in 1922 and known by its first line "little ladies more" contains the phrase "voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" twice.

In 1995, the British soap opera Coronation Street featured a memorable humorous moment when Ken Barlow teaches French to dizzy blonde Raquel Watts:
Raquel: "I met a French man in Corfu who taught me how to say isn't it a lovely day today."
Ken: "Right, let's put a sentence together. I want you to say to me in French 'Hello Ken. My name is Raquel. Isn't it a lovely day today?'
Raquel: "Ooh, clever. Right, here goes. Bonjour Ken. Je m'appelle Raquel. Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

* * * * * * * *
Labelle turned this song into an outrageous party anthem which went along with their glamorous look and sexual persona, earning them a huge following in the gay community. To anyone paying attention, the song was highly suggestive and it did ruffle some feathers, partly because it seemed to glamorize prostitution. In a 1986 interview with NME Patti LaBelle explained: 

"That song was taboo. I mean, why sing about a hooker? Why not? I had a good friend who was a hooker, and she died. She never took the mike out of my mouth and I never took the mattress from under her. She was a friend, doing her thing. It'd be like discriminating because you're white and I'm black, or you're gay and someone's straight. I don't believe in separating people. If your job is as a hooker, more power to you."

* * * * * * * *
A regular Sunday Baptist churchgoer, LaBelle was mortified to find out what the song was about, and what the French words meant, after recording it. 

“I didn’t know what it was about. Nobody, I swear this is God’s truth, nobody told me what I’d just sung a song about. [When she found out]... suddenly I felt all alone, that I’d done something wrong to the church, that I’d turned into some kind of bad girl. It took courage and faith to go back. But when I walked in there, I got a few looks, and then I got the smiles and the hugs and the love. Hey, hookers are people too. Love is what it’s all about honey. Love is gospel and gospel is love.”

In another interview, in 1981, she stated:

"I thought people would boo us because we'd gone too far. I was afraid of change. But when we went out and did it, I said 'good!' Three outrageous black women who wore and said anything onstage... Although with 'Lady Marmalade' I swear I had no idea for a while what it meant, until I asked Bob Crewe, who recorded it, 'what's voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?' He told me, 'Oh gosh', I said, 'what will my mother think?'"

* * * * * * * *

In 2001, Missy Elliott produced a new version with Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, and Pink that was used in the Nicole Kidman movie Moulin Rouge. This remake was wildly successful, connecting with a new audience and winning the 2001 Grammy for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals. It also got the approval of Patti LaBelle, who said that she loved it. Mya said that she used to sing the original version around the house when she was a kid. She never knew what the French part meant, and her mum, who spoke French, didn't tell her.

The Missy Elliott version won Video Of The Year at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. The video featured the singers dressed as prostitutes, which is how they performed it on the show. That MTV performance is included as an extra on the Moulin Rouge DVD.

* * * * * * * *
When Labelle performed this song on the Cher variety show in 1975, the censors made them change the French lyrics to Voulez-vous danser avec moi ce soir" (Do you want to dance with me, tonight?). 

* * * * * * * *
The 2001 remake was wildly successful, connecting with a new audience and winning the 2001 Grammy for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals. It also got the approval of Patti LaBelle, who said that she loved it. Mya said that she used to sing the original version around the house when she was a kid. She never knew what the French part meant, and her mom, who spoke French, didn't tell her.

* * * * * * * *
The line "gitcha gitcha ya ya da da" means "Get your pleasure here daddy" (See "get your ya yas out" by the Rolling Stones). 

* * * * * * * *

Patricia Louise Holte-Edwards (1944 - ), better known under the stage name Patti LaBelle, is an American singer, author, and actress. She has spent over 50 years in the music industry, 16 years as lead singer of Patti LaBelle and the BlueBelles, who changed their name to Labelle in the early 1970s. Labelle are also noted for being the first African American group to play at the prestigious Metropolitan Opera House and the first African American vocal group to land the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.


Apart from continuing to perform, in 1996 LaBelle issued her autobiography, Don't Block the Blessings. She released her first of five cookbooks in 1997, and in 2006, released the book Patti's Pearls. In addition, LaBelle began to sell collections of spices, lipstick and even wigs on her website. Her wig collection, Especially Yours, was sold for some time but has since stopped.

Patti LaBelle is also commonly identified as the "Godmother of Soul", the "High Priestess of Good Vibrations", and the "Queen of Rock "n" Soul".

* * * * * * * * *

Friday, September 26, 2014

Funny Friday


Risque content included.

* * * * * * * * * *

One of our trivia team members, Carol, took me to task at Triv for the Bytes item that said men speak about 2,000 words a day, whereas women speak about 7,000. Carol thought that that was included about her. This is because Carol has an amazing ability to talk, not just talk but TALK. Carol is the personification of the old joke about being able to talk under wet cement, she is the Michael Phelps of talk. You know how didgeridoo players have developed the art of circular breathing by inhaling through their noses and continuing playing without a pause? I swear that Carol can do that with talking. I have watched her talking to others and she never stops to draw breath. The woman is amazing, the freak of speak. I denied that the word count referred to previously related to her but I did say that I would dedicate a couple of Friday Funnies to her.  So here we go Carol, some items about the fairer sex . . .

* * * * * * * * * *
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a millionth of a second shutter speed. They now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00." She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *

Corn Corner:

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Bonus corn:


* * * * * * * * *

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Funny Street Art


We haven't had any funny street art in a while, so . . .


(risque language)





















* * * * * * * * *